How can Britain hope to govern the waves if it no longer rules chocolate? Cadbury is no longer in business, having been taken up by meat-packing, Kool-aid-making, fake-cheese-loving, all-American behemoth Kraft. We’ve always done things a little differently over here when it comes to sugary, milky goodies, so before we turn Dairy Milk into Awesome! Bars, let’s have a look at how things are done sweetly on both sides of the pond and see who’s better at it.
DAIRY MILK (UK)
The “milk” portion of the product (and, I assume, the “dairy” because milk is dairy) was always hammered home in Dairy Milk advertising. The bar was advertised as “heavy in cream” in early advertisements. This technique would probably be as acceptable nowadays as labelling a packet of butter with the words “full of lard and fried dicks.” Like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes, Dairy Milk was thrown into the brave new meme world with the gorilla playing “In the Air Tonight” in the commercials. It was viewed by a large number of people on YouTube. It was a mash-up by a lot of folks. But it wasn’t exactly a glass and a half of milk, was it? It didn’t aid our brave farmers or their milk in the least. Who did it benefit? Phil Collins is a musician from the United Kingdom.
The packing is as follows:
When John Cadbury was still an alcohol-hating, temperance-loving Quaker, his chocolate wrapper often featured intricate illustrations of elves mixing up their heady concoctions or unseen hands artfully pouring milk into glasses. (Seriously, why didn’t they produce milk if they were so enamoured with it?) It’s really popular, and you’d make some money doing it.) Finally, the famous blue and white covering took hold, allowing Cadbury to cut the amount of chocolate in their bars without anyone noticing, except for this kiwi guy (and the world).
Taste:
Sweet, milky (of course), and not technically chocolate. If you grew up on this storm-battered isle, the flavour of Dairy Milk will bring back memories that not even your mother’s breast milk could. Both, though, involve milk, so I think that’s the key.
Mascots:
Apart from the gorilla, the whole seduction-as-a-way-of-selling-chocolate thing was taken to a crazy, slutty Princess-Di-meets-Watership-down level. The Caramel Bunny, a Cadbury’s Caramel offshoot, was introduced to advertise Cadbury’s Caramel, a Dairy Milk spinoff. There was even a variant where the bunny had a seductive West Country burr, which I suppose is suitable for living in the woods. Despite this, she never went surfing. Alternatively, you may have played in Reef.
HERSHEY’S (U.S.)
The advertisements:
When it comes to chocolate marketing, the British go for the “seductive” angle more than the Americans. Hershey’s Kissables are all about giving your 12-year-old lover a sanitised kiss if she was made of pink fur. When they’re not doing that, they’re stealing British artists (Nick Park, Modern English) to make a chocolate version of a hippie Garden State nightmare. The emphasis is on pleasing children and creating the happy, satisfied families that Hitler fervently hoped would populate his ideal Fatherland.
The packing is as follows:
Hershey’s opts for a muted brown colour scheme that shouts “human faeces.”
Taste:
To be classified as “chocolate” in the United States, chocolate needs to have 10% cocoa solids (Dairy Milk has 20%, but it doesn’t make it cool in Europe). This may be why Hershey’s chocolate tastes like meat. The strange, savoury human taste, along with the shit-coloured packaging, makes the entire Hershey’s like a winner.
CADBURY’S FLAKE (UK)
The advertisements:
The Flake commercials were all about enticing you to rape an 18th-century gypsy girl in the back of a cart while she ate some curiously wrapped future treat. Either that, or you’d be rescuing some early 1990s girl from drowning in her chocolate before having “crumbly, flakey” sex with her.
The presentation of the product
It comes in that typical devil-may-care yellow package that screams “penetrative sex.”
Taste:
If you could overlook the fact that “melt-in-the-mouth” effectively translates to “crumble down your pants,” you were onto a winner with Flake. While being filmed, it tasted surprisingly like a hot, overflowing bath.
KRAFT’S MIKADO
The advertisements:
When Americans go for the seductive thing, it turns out to be strange and prejudiced. Take a look at this new ad for Kraft’s Mikado chocolate bar. Oh, Japanese people, how oppressed they are! Look at how disapproving he is. But she would never do something like that intentionally! It’s all part of their samurai culture. And then there are the nuclear weapons. It removes a person’s misbehaviour completely.
On the other hand, Cadbury’s went for a comical piece of neo-colonialism with their new Ghanaian commercial. Is that massive totem supposed to represent a local god? It looks a lot like Bo Selecta’s Craig David mask. There is also an underlying idea that Africa’s “native people” believe chocolate is “magic” and infused with supernatural power. But, since the advertisers were on that business trip to Accra, I’m sure they know more than I do (Apartheid-loving chocolate perverts).
The packing is as follows:
Something along the lines of a Japanese chopstick horror show.
The flavour:
As though Gilbert & Sullivan had hit you in the face.
MILK TRAY BY CADBURY (UK)
The advertisements:
Uber-British. A generation of hopeful romantics were inspired to imagine themselves as James Bond and go out and buy their “woman” Milk Tray according to their catchphrase “all because the lady loves Milk Tray.” Of all, strolling to the store was about as heroic as they could get, and their “woman” was little more than a “bird.”
The packing is as follows:
It’s a tray. A sophisticated tray. There isn’t a TV-dinner tray here.
The flavour:
These were just trays of milk-based chocolates, as the name suggests. There will be no-nonsense.
JELL-O
The advertisements:
In general, American candy makers avoid adult customers and focus solely on children. They’ll keep fucking with their parents until they receive the Jell-O pudding they want if you talk to them persistently and with a kind face. But which of the friendly faces is it? With ridiculous jumper-wearing national institution Bill Cosby, these lads struck gold.
When it comes to celebrity endorsements, compare this to Cadbury’s Elton John commercials. Cosby, you’ve got style! An American corporation would never consider hiring a gay to sell candy to youngsters (homophobic chocolate perverts).
The packing is as follows:
It’s opulent and unnatural.
The flavour:
As if that were a confederate salad.
SNICKERS/MARATHON (U.S./ UK)
The advertisements:
Peanuts were once believed to be unusual, alien plants by the English, thus ancient Marathon bar advertisements had to speak of them as strange.
The packing is as follows:
The statement of British identity in advertisements was echoed in product naming and packaging. Yes, in the United Kingdom, Snickers (the Mars company’s favourite horse) was known as Marathon. After being rebranded Snickers, Marathon bars became much more popular. Nonetheless, because this is Britain, there is a fucking ridiculous effort to “bring back Marathon.” It appears to be a misty-eyed celebration of being British (because Marathon is “part of our culture”), yet it’s presented as a misty-eyed celebration of being British. Listen, buddy, it’s the same fucking chocolate bar, okay?
KRAFT’S MILKA (U.S.)
The advertisements:
Making the marketing as stereotypically Swiss-German as possible to hide that an American corporation creates the chocolate.
The packing is as follows:
Light blue to remind you of milk; mountainous to remind you of Switzerland; cows to remind you of milk once more. Milk.
The flavour:
It’s as if you’re on a French exchange programme.
THE END RESULT
You can’t decide because these aren’t appropriate categories. I suppose the losers are all the Cadbury’s factory employees who will be laid off.
